Why I'd rather figure it out myself

Dear reader,

I've been thinking about how often I make something harder than it needs to be because it hasn't occurred to me to ask someone for help. Or, more honestly, it has occurred to me and I've immediately decided I can figure it out myself.

I'm incredibly resourceful. I was brought up with the belief that everything is figureoutable, and that has served me well. Give me a problem and I'll find a way through it. It might involve several unnecessary detours and a frankly ridiculous number of tabs open on my laptop, but I'll get there.

The bit I'm starting to question is why I'm so committed to getting there on my own.

My conversation with Rachel Mason this week really brought this home. Rachel took herself to her hysterectomy on the train. She also stopped attending the therapy she'd been offered because she felt someone else needed it more. Listening to her, I recognised that instinct to keep managing, to assess what you can cope with and quietly get on with it.

Our experiences are different, but the thinking felt familiar. I can do this myself. I don't want to put anyone out. Other people have enough going on. Someone else probably needs the support more than I do.

Somewhere along the way, "I can manage" becomes "I shouldn't need anyone".

I've been thinking about hyper-independence and how it can show up in the smallest, most ordinary ways. Asking someone for an introduction. Admitting I don't know how to do something. Saying, "You've done this before. Could I pick your brain?" There are people who could help me, and yet I'll spend hours trying to work something out before sending a message that would have taken thirty seconds.

Part of it, I think, is that I like being capable. I like knowing I can find a way. When you've built so much of your identity around being someone who gets things done, asking for help can feel strangely uncomfortable. I can know, perfectly rationally, that someone would probably be happy to help and still find myself thinking, "It's fine, I'll sort it."

Resourcefulness is a skill I value in myself, but I'm beginning to see that doing everything on my own has cost me time, energy and opportunities to learn from people who already know the way.

The people I admire haven't built their lives or businesses entirely alone. They've asked questions, made connections, learnt from others and accepted support. I know this. I encourage other people to do it. Apparently, I've been operating a separate set of rules for myself.

This week's conversation

Rachel is the founder of Rayse, a community connecting people through shared genealogical health experiences. In our conversation, she talks about her hysterectomy, surgical menopause at 30 and the difficulty of recognising and saying what she needed, even with people around her who loved her.

One moment that stayed with me was her talking about her partner offering to accompany her to a scan she would usually have attended alone. It made me think about how easily we get used to doing things by ourselves, until having someone beside us reveals what we've been carrying.

We also explored the difference between having people around and feeling understood, and why "I'm fine" can feel easier than explaining what's really happening.

Listen to the conversation with Rachel on Why Aren't We Talking About This?

Something to mull over during the weekend.

I'm going to look for one thing this week that I could ask someone to help with, before I've spent hours proving to myself that I can do it alone.

Is there something you're managing by yourself that you'd quite like a hand with?

You don't have to justify why it's difficult enough to count. If something came to mind, hit reply. I'd love to hear it.

Love,

Carly x