Why do I say I’m fine when I’m not? Asking for help

Carly Osman-HolmeRachel, I would love to start with a bit more about who are you and what's your story?

Rachel MasonOkay, so so I'm Rachel. I s it's always a hard question, like, you know, who are you and what your story? Because you immediately jump to like, I have a child, so I have a son. That's definitely part big part of my identity. I've then you go career. Okay, well I've always been involved in like the start-up industry, always very, very much in the wellness space. I've actually never had a typical job. So I've actually managed to get by my whole life up until now working for myself, which I don't know if I have to be completely scared of or really proud of.

Rachel MasonI live in a lovely little seaside town. I really love where I live. I'm very like a homegirl. I love being in nature. I love going for walks by the sea. I love the woods. yeah, I guess that kind of that sums up a very short version of the story.

Carly Osman-HolmeYou've had some challenging medical conditions over the last six, eight years. Can you tell me a little bit more about what you've been through?

Rachel MasonYep. Yes. Challenging. Definitely does describe it. So I I had IVF to have my son and I wanted to do another round of IVF. I knew from my previous experience they want you in sort of tip top condition to be great. And I'd had this bloating and I thought like something wasn't quite right. I thought I'm gonna want to do IVF at some point. I'm gonna need to be on a wait list if I've got a cyst, I've had ovarian cyst before. Not a big deal, they just kind of remove it.

Rachel MasonI'm gonna have to go on a wait list. It's gonna take me ages to do my second round. my son was just over one. And I I just wanted to get the ball rolling. So thinking, right, booksh that in, got that, get this checked, whatever this bloating is. So I went in to have an ultrasound on the Friday night. And I remember coming out of the hospital, and they'd said to me, There's definitely something there. We don't know what it is, but it's probably an assist.

Rachel MasonI was voice noting my friend, because she gets her various assists too. I was like, Looks like we're sisters again. Saying like joking about assists and saying, I'm probably gonna have another one, not another surgery, but whatever. And then Monday morning, 9 a.m., the phone call from the GP that I needed to come down the surgery straight away. So I head down the surgery. I just remember sitting in this chair. She was so lovely, the GP who I who saw me this day. And she said, There is something, but it's not assist.

Rachel MasonSo you need to go for an MRI. I've booked that in, and that was booked straight away. I think this is the Monday, and I think I had it on the Thursday. And I'm sending you now this blood test to go get some levels checked, which turned out to be CA125, which is like a cancer marker, but I didn't know what that was at the time. So I just go get my blood test, thinking, God, what is all this? I have the MRI a few days later, and then I get a call from the

Rachel Masondoctor who said, There is something and it we think it's a tumor. We think there is a tumour on your ovary. You're gonna need to have open stomach surgery. And then that was booked in God, so quickly that they are good. When the C word pops up, it was all a couple of weeks. So I went in to have

Rachel Masonmy open stomach surgery to remove the tumours. I came around from that, went home, went to recover. And then I ended up being told a couple of weeks later it was stage three borderline ovarian cancer and it would need a full hysterectomy and I would be in early menopause, wouldn't be able to have any more children. And then that was kind of the start of right, okay. So then I proceeded to try and fight this. I couldn't really fight it.

Rachel MasonI ended up having the hysterectomy

Rachel Masonthat was that really. That's I wanna say the end, but then obviously I've been in surgical menopause for seven years now, so that's a whole other health journey on in itself really.

Carly Osman-HolmeHow did you feel? you were 30 in menopause, not many 30 year olds are in menopause. How did you deal with that? Where did you turn? What were you told about it?

Rachel MasonI was told about HRT, which I didn't really know anything about HRT, because my mum never spoke to me about that. And she never really mentioned it about her taking it either. So I I didn't know anything about it, but I had to learn about that. All I thought was I'm gonna completely change. And I think that c that thought process comes from it being called the change for so long. And actually what I have learned is I haven't changed. And if I have

Rachel MasonIt's only probably how I would have changed anyway, in my thirties. it's a massive time of growing up and changing. So I think you constantly change and evolve. We need to stop referring to menopause as the change. I don't feel the menopause caused this massive change in my personality. Whereas all of a sudden, this old woman, the only thing I do feel that I feel sad about is I'm not in line with my friendship group. There'll be conversations about contraception, abortions, even.

Rachel Masontaking the morning after pill, things like that. Periods. I am not involved in them. I am way more comfortable actually talking to much older women who are postmenopause because that's the life stage I'm I'm at and talking about HRT and things and I mean my friends will catch up and they'll absolutely love my wealth of knowledge, won't they?

Rachel Masonyeah.

Carly Osman-HolmeI want to ground us with something that feels almost invisible because it's been normalized. It's the phrase I'm fine. So you speak to women day in and day out. You've got hundreds of women in your community and I would love to understand from your perspective. How have we got to this point?

Carly Osman-Holmewhere this is our standard response. The good, the bad, the really tricky, hard things, we tend to say and brush it off with, I'm fine.

Rachel MasonYeah. I think we're preconditioned from years and years of women are very dramatic and hysterical. So we kind of repress it and we we don't want to be seen that way. And I think it does come from years of that. But if I had to bring it to the today, like 2026, I think women just have so much to deal with. Like statistically, we still know that women do most of the the mental load, kids or not kids, like you we do most of the work. So and then we're also

Rachel MasonIn 2026, more than likely bringing in a 50-50 wage or more. I know I know there's a lot of stats around women out earning their partners these days, and we are still the ones doing the most. So I do think I'm fine actually just is avoiding adding more to your to-do list because if you're saying, Okay, actually this is what's happening, it opens a whole can of worms that you've then got to deal with. So I think we're just constantly pushing.

Rachel MasonPushing things down and r and repressing them really.

Carly Osman-HolmeDo you think some of it's also because we live in a self-perpetuating cycle? So we see other women saying, I'm fine. And they, they're dealing with it or not dealing with it in their own ways. And then we go, I should kind of keep up with the Joneses. I don't, I don't want to be different. I don't want to step out. I don't want to overstep things. So we also fall into place. Do you think we've got ourselves in this kind of vicious cycle?

Rachel MasonThink possibly. I can a hundred percent picture my mum right now going, fine. through gritted teeth and I think we probably pick it up there.

Carly Osman-HolmeSo let's go back to before your diagnosis when something didn't feel right, how did that show up? Were you dismissing it? Were you rationalizing it? Were you trying to make everything else more important? Or when did you suddenly go, okay, I'm not just fine, something's happening?

Rachel MasonOkay, so this is actually really good with the whole I'm fine thing. my only symptom was bloating, which is pretty typical of a type of ovarian cancer, is the bloating. I would lay on the beds and my stomach would be bloated in a way that it wasn't normally when I was laying down. So it was unusual. I sort of thought about it for a little while.

Rachel MasonI thought, that's not quite right. Every time I laid down, it must have been a couple of weeks, it must have been a few weeks. And then I think I finally thought I'm gonna make a doctor's appointment, but I ended up having a holiday to Thailand for a friend's wedding, booked for two weeks. So I actually went off to Thailand and I look at these pictures and I think I did not know what was going on then. Like if I just had booked, like I think back, like, if I just booked that appointment.

Rachel MasonAs soon as I thought, this is this isn't quite right, how different things could have been. I try not to think about that too much because that's obviously really sad. But yeah, I was I was busy. I was taking my my family to Thailand, I was my friend's wedding, there was a lot going on. So I yeah, I wasn't top of the to do list at all. And I honestly didn't really think I thought, it's just it's okay. I'm fine. You know.

Carly Osman-Holmethen so when you did get that diagnosis, what changed? How did you suddenly go from someone who was putting everyone else first to putting you first and saying, actually, I've got to deal with this. In order for me to go on and thrive and survive from this, I've got to put myself and I've got to change my priorities.

Rachel MasonI I don't know if I did, quite honestly. Did I did I put myself first? I don't think I did put myself first. In a way I did. So one thing that happened, so when I had a lapotomy remove the tumours, that's open stomach surgery. Then I came out of the surgery and received the news about a week later into my recovery that it was really bad and they would really recommend a full hysterectomy. This then meant surgical menopause and it meant not having any more kids.

Rachel MasonIf I'm honest, was I putting myself first in that moment? I was devastated because I did want more kids, but I was also sad for my husband at the time because I know he wanted another child. I was sad for my son because it meant no brothers and sisters. So it wasn't just about me. Like if I had really s stopped and been made it just about me, I fought for my fertility. But if it had just been about me.

Rachel MasonIt took me about five months to actually have the hysterectomy 'cause I fought it so hard. If it was just about me, take away a child, take away a husband and anything else, would I have just had it straight away, probably? Because it's my health and really none of those other things should have really mattered. Really. Should they?

Carly Osman-HolmeSo then going back to that point, if you thought about this for five months, what was the thing or what was that stepping stone that made you go, no, I need to have this?

Rachel MasonSo that would be I had three opinions. I call it a second opinion, so I actually had a s a first, a second, and a third opinion on it, and they all said the same thing. And it was kind of averaged out at roughly a one in one in twenty chance of potentially turning to an invasive cancer, because borderline ovarian cancer isn't invasive. but it has a chance of turning invasive, though, so they sort of worked out.

Rachel MasonAnd I think one in twenty to some people like, well, that's not a lot. But I think if someone said, you've got a one in twenty chance of dying if you do this, you probably wouldn't do that thing. You'd think, hang on a minute, that's quite a high. So that was that was what really gave me the push. And then thinking, I need to just make sure I'm just around my my son.

Carly Osman-HolmeMm.

Carly Osman-HolmeSo do you think that then became much more of a conscious advocating for yourself moment or, or was it necessity? Where, because what I want to understand is like, what is there, is there a flip switch with this? Is there something that happens and you talk about those odds, but is there something more guttural that makes you go, no, I deserve to not be just fine. I deserve to not just go along and put the odds in someone else's hands. I want to take back control.

Rachel MasonYeah, I guess so, because in my first the first time I got the opinion. So the surgeon said to me with you it'd be a full hysterectomy. And that was like, Whoa, hang on a minute, that's that's not what I want at all. That was when I first figured out I can advocate for myself. That was the first time. So I didn't massively like the surgeon that I had, but he was my surgeon, right? He's a doctor, so you you that's your surgeon, you don't change it. But actually you can, you can ask for different surgeons and

Rachel MasonYou can ask for second opinion. So I ended up asking for a second opinion. You feel a bit bad about that. you're saying to this trained professional who you're meant to fully trust, actually, can I have somebody else that, you know, have a look at this? And that did take a little while for them to to get another opinion. And I also paid for a private opinion. So I di I didn't just sort of take it and go, yep, okay. You know, that's the first one. But I don't know where that came from. Must have been some kind of

Rachel Masoninstinct to try and fight it because obviously I didn't really want to have a hysterectomy and be in the mentors when was 30 years old. So yeah, there was definitely something. And then fighting for my fertility as well was something else because I was told by probably about five IVF clinics that they would not do egg collection on me. And that was like a constant battle. So trying to find someone, I did not find anyone, but I did try. So at least today I can sit here and say, I know that I tried.

Rachel MasonSo that feels good and I think I think things like that are really important for your mental health as well to know that you you did everything you can. I think if I sat here today and I'd learnt that I could have asked for a second opinion or at least tried to do egg collection, I would wonder, what if I could have collected eggs? I could have had another child and what if I didn't have to do that? But at least I know because I did advocate for myself and I think a lot of peace comes with that knowledge.

Carly Osman-HolmeYeah. Why did you feel bad, do you think?

Rachel Masonabout asking for a second opinion. I think

Rachel Masonit sound it sounds terrible when I think about it because he's he's the professional. I guess he was the professional,

Rachel Masondon't I don't think it's a comfortable place to push back on doctors or anyone that feels superior to you. I guess I guess he definitely felt superior to me. Even though we're talking about my health and my body, it's not a comfortable thing to to sit there and say, actually, you know, I don't know if I completely trust you here. It's not a comfortable thing to do. I definit I definitely felt bad about doing that actually.

Rachel MasonI am so happy I did though, because I ended up having a different surgeon to actually perform my hysterectomy and I really liked him, which I didn't even consider was a thing. Like you're not gonna necessarily like the person, but I really genuinely liked him. I thought he was a really nice person. I f I felt I had so much trust in him. I had a very different experience having the hysterectomy surgery to having the surgeries before that when I hadn't done any.

Rachel Masonthing myself, I had just got the first surgeon I was given and yeah, it was very different as I started to learn how it all works.

Carly Osman-HolmeDo you think some of that was that conditioning we spoke about at the beginning of, I'm fine, I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna be to a degree likable and adaptable, I don't wanna be a problem. Do you think there's some of that there?

Rachel MasonYeah, yeah, I do think so. I think I don't I don't want to be a burden ever. No matter what I'm doing. it doesn't doesn't matter what I'm doing, but yeah, definitely not to anyone that I consider very busy, very in demand. And I do you know what I was even thinking about this, I was even offered therapy after my hysterectomy, which is actually standard guideline practice, you should be offered therapy after it.

Rachel MasonWhich I don't think many people are because a lot of people go to me, What? Sorry but I was offered it. So I took it. I took I took the first session and I went there and I looked around and it was all sort of posters of like suicide and I thought, Someone needs this more than me. I can't use this time and so I did one session, I did one therapy and then completed it. I didn't go I didn't actually.

Rachel Masonback because I did feel like somebody else needed it more than I did and it was through the NHS and I felt bad taking it. I did feel like that was me being a burden. That's even though they decided it is should be standard practice for women to be offered this.

Carly Osman-HolmeThat's so interesting. Again, it's everybody else deserves this more and putting yourself down the list of priorities, isn't it? And I think that's such a powerful manifestation of, don't want to take up space. I don't want to take up someone's time. Someone else needs it more.

Rachel MasonYeah.

Carly Osman-HolmeI want to break it down into two sections. So first, how much support did you get from others? And the second, how much support were you willing to give yourself?

Rachel MasonYeah, I love this question. because so I was married at the time of having my hysterectomy and I did not know how to ask for the support I needed. I look back on that and I think he was not a mind reader, but I also didn't know how to ask for it. So I actually took myself to my hysterectomy on the train. because I was fine.

Rachel MasonThat's literally and this is absolutely like not to say anything bad about him. I didn't ask for it. I should have said, Well we're gonna get a babysitter, obviously you're gonna drive me to my surgery. On the day of my leprotomy, my open stomach surgery to remove ovarian cancer. He went and he w he went to work. But he didn't just go to work, he went to work up north. Up north. But I didn't I didn't know how to say

Rachel MasonI need you here. I need you. Because I just kept saying I was fine. I don't even blame him because I was like, I'm fine. I remember him dropping me at the hospital. I went into the hospital on my own and I sat in the waiting room. I was a little bit of a later one and I I read my book on my own. And now I can see how the places I should have asked for help and I should have asked for support and how much I was not fine and how I needed it, but I didn't ask for it. So I have

Rachel MasonHave a new partner now, and this is what I mean by a different type of support, which I didn't know how to ask for, didn't know I needed. So I've had follow-up CT scans for the past seven years. I'm out of now, I've done my last one. But I've said to him, I'll because casually I've got a CT scan and I was just gonna go. And he was like, Well, I'll come with you. I was like, my god, you don't have to do that. Like, I'm absolutely fine, I'm gonna go to the CT scan.

Rachel Masonon my own. I've never no one's ever come with me, nobody. I've seriously gone to everyone by myself. So it just didn't seem like a big deal to me. And he was like, I'm gonna come. And it made me quite uncomfortable. And at first I was sat there, we sat in the hospital, waiting. I'm thinking, I've done this. This is like my thought 14th CT scan. I do not need somebody here. I'm thinking that and I'm thinking, what would I be doing if I was by myself, I'd be reading my book. And I could just couldn't relax into it. And just

Rachel MasonInto support and then eventually I did. And you have to sit and have this drink, it takes like an hour for it to go into a CT scan. But it's actually ended up being a core memory of this new relationship because it is support that I can now see I needed this whole time that I didn't have because I didn't know how to ask for it.

Carly Osman-HolmeIf you were young Rachel and you're about to embark on this journey ahead, what would you say to her? How would you say you need the support? What words should she be looking for?

Rachel MasonThis is this is what other women need to do, isn't it? I think if you go to say I'm fine, you really need to think beyond that. Just don't let those words come out your mouth. Because I would guess at a time when you're going for a major life change, major health issues, you are not fine. And it's perfectly okay. It's working out what what you're actually feeling.

Rachel MasonAnd not repressing feelings and not worrying what other people are gonna think and not worrying about being a burden and actually just saying what you need. If you don't just say what you need, no one's gonna know. So it g I don't I don't think it ends particularly well if you you can't say it.

Carly Osman-HolmeWhat happens if you don't know what you need? I think because we often don't, we're just taught, we're conditioned to use your language that you use at the beginning to go, just get on with it, just do it, just step up. I don't think many of us are good at receiving that support, which is a whole other thing.

Rachel MasonCompletely do agree. I think it's all about this, it's not one thing, it's about small tools that work for you. For example, this just springs into mind. I went for a phase of any time I felt a bit sad or a bit stressed, I imagine myself pouring a bottle of wine. And I'm thinking, that's not okay. That that's that's not right. Like, don't pour that wine. Think about what it is, what's happening right now.

Rachel MasonFor me it's writing things down. I'm gonna say journaling. Sounds like dear diary. I do write a lot down, like I have a little notes app on my phone, I write in like a little diary before bed, and I do think that's my way of processing things, which is probably why I started my blog in the first place and it did well because it was my way of processing things. So it's not it's not one one thing and one way you can ask and you can figure out when you need the support.

Rachel MasonIf you're going to yeah, if you're repressing something, how do you know you're oppressing something though? I I just don't know how how we know.

Carly Osman-HolmeDo you think it's also a case of once you give over the willingness to receive support, it gets more and more comfortable because I've started doing this. I'm a classic, I'm gonna work out everything myself. I don't need any help from anyone, blah, blah, blah. That's who I am naturally. But over the last couple of years, I broke myself. So I have to rebuild myself and realize I can't do it all alone. But it's taken me a long time to...

Carly Osman-Holmesay, need support in this and then feel comfortable of stepping back. So with my husband, he now does a lot of, well, he does all the school admin stuff because I'm just not very good at it. So he does that, but I've now gone, it's your thing, you do that. I'm not gonna try and butt in because you're gonna do it your way. But then that, I've had to get comfortable not being in control of everything, which really doesn't sit well with me.

Rachel MasonYeah, no, I agree, it it doesn't it doesn't sit well with me either. And it is definitely definitely a learning curve, isn't it? To to try and just let people do things. And even I so I have a son, even like trying to teach him to sort of know when I need I can't do everything for him. I need a moment. Like even that's not comfortable for me to go like I need I need ten minutes. Please just let me have it.

Rachel MasonNot giving everything.

Carly Osman-HolmeDo you think there's also a disservice to everyone else if you try and control everything? Because I think personally, because I've wanted to do this, lead this, do that, I've not allowed other people to step up.

Rachel MasonYeah, I was gonna say the same actually. You need to give people space to to step into to be able to then to then do things as well. I do think it is a disservice to others.

Carly Osman-Holmeyou're building an amazing community with Arrace where people are, who've been in challenging health situations, are coming into this world, talking about various health topics where nothing is off limits. sometimes people are talking about, how do I deal and how do I best look after myself in recovery through to, when can I have sex again? Like, how do I feel like myself again? How do I get more comfortable with my body again?

Carly Osman-HolmeAnd I just love this big variety. So what do you think women are coming to you for?

Rachel MasonHonestly, just to feel less alone. I think that is the overarching theme of what is happening. And I understand that feeling because I I understand walking away from a hospital, having multiple WhatsApp groups with friends in, parents that love me and support me, sisters to talk to, and still feeling completely alone. Because not one single person in my life, out of these amazing people around me, I know how lucky I am.

Rachel Masonunderstood how I felt in that moment. Nobody. The only people that understand are people that have been through it and are going through it. So that's that's the main theme I get is people just don't want to feel alone, which is what how this sort of community has really come about. It's it's come about like by accident really, like by just sharing my story on a blog, then sharing my story on TikTok.

Rachel MasonAnd then someone left a comment saying, Could you do a WhatsApp group? I don't want to comment on a TikTok video to then having three hundred people in a WhatsApp group and thinking, this is a bit too busy now to then actually having a nice online community which is all organised and these people understand each other.

Carly Osman-Holmewhat stage do people come to you? Is it at the very beginning? Is it when they're desperate or is it when they're trying to take back control? Because for me, when I've been in situations, so I've been through IVF, I'm in early stage perimenopause and I'm kind of gravitating to people who are one step further so they can help me find out. But I found these communities in moments of, I would kind of say crises when I've gone.

Carly Osman-Holmefuck, this is not normal. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm lost. I'm broken. I need other women's support to help me guide them through. Or do you find that people come in when they're taking control? How are people finding you? What moment are they feeling?

Rachel Masonyou're right, there are there are two groups of people. There are the people that are like, Whoa, I'm so confused and desperate, and I have absolutely no idea. And then there are the people that have gone, right? I'm gonna do something about this. which which point are people coming in? I would actually I would say it's both

Rachel MasonWhat I would love is to offer this community to people sat in that NHS waiting room that have just been delivered the news that they are 30 years old, they're having a hysterectomy, they're not going to have any more children, they will be in mentors, and then they have absolutely no idea what's going on. And that's my goal to say, try this community. There's other people here that are going through this same thing.

Rachel MasonAnd I think it's the the ones that are maybe finding me at the moment are probably slightly further along, but I wouldn't say very. But another a whole nother group of amazing people in the community as well are the ones that just want to give back. Like similar to really what I've been doing for years, like some people are really happy to spend an hour a week talking to other people about their experience. It makes them feel good. It's it's proven that.

Rachel Masonoffering support based on your lived experience and guiding someone else makes you feel good and makes you feel happy. And it's like you're not it's not a charity. So it's not like you're doing like charitable work, but it is in a way, you know, it's it's a really lovely thing to do. So then there's a whole nother group of ones that have done the advocate for themselves, have come through it. They've probably still got bits and bobs going on because come on, when are we ever like absolutely in tip top condition? But they're they're there for other people.

Carly Osman-HolmeI think what you're doing is bringing about the true meaning of community. And it's about helping each other and at that raw level where no one has the answers beautifully packaged, they have their experiences and they've, what they've read and what they've seen and what they've seen from others, bringing it to others to help them guide them through. I just think that's, that's where we need to go on a societal level, I fundamentally believe.

Rachel MasonYeah, I think so too. And the tagline for the community is Together We Shine. Nice. And I do think it's very true. Yeah.

Carly Osman-HolmeSo where can people find you?

Rachel MasonSo Raise is R Ray S E and it's Raise Community, mainly on TikTok, Instagram you can find me too, and I have a website which is raisecommunity.com.

Carly Osman-HolmeSo what would be your final takeaway for people listening to say, let's move away, let's actually ditch this, not even move away, let's ditch, I'm fine out of our vocabulary.

Carly Osman-HolmeWhat do we say instead?

Rachel MasonI would say your sentence needs to start with I feel

Rachel MasonAnd just try and figure out. I've actually there's actually a brilliant app, a feelings app, and you check in three times a day and it it starts. I'm feeling and you have to focus on which ones, and it it's it's really does take work to do that. So I think yeah, starting your sentence with I feel overwhelmed because I've got all this stuff going on with the school and I've got this important deadline.

Rachel Masonrather than I'm fine.