The things we decide not to say

Every relationship is built on a series of quiet retirements. There are the subjects we used to argue about but now avoid, the fantasies we keep locked behind our teeth, and the small body insecurities we assume our partners are judging just as harshly as we are. We tend to treat our shared lives as a mystery that shouldn't be poked too hard, relying on early lust and brain chemicals to do the heavy lifting for us.

The problem is that those early chemicals eventually fall away. When they do, if we haven't built the ability to talk about the awkward stuff, we start developing our own separate narratives. I’ve seen this happen in my own life and heard it from so many guests. We sit in bed next to someone for twenty years, yet we are essentially living in two entirely different marriages because of the things we’ve decided not to say.

The script we think we have to follow

We often stay silent because we are trying to fit into a very narrow script. For men, that script says they must always be visual, always horny, and never interested in anything other than the main event. Ruth, a sex coach, told me about a male client who had been through years of therapy but never admitted that he actually preferred having his neck or ears touched over his genitals. He was ashamed because he thought it made him less of a man.

Women have their own scripts, often centred on being the 'nice girl' who doesn't rock the boat. Heidi talked to me about how we are conditioned from childhood to be amenable and supportive, which often means masking our true feelings to remain palatable. We don't want to be the one to say, 'I don’t actually want another child,' or 'I’m bored at work,' because we fear the judgment of the group. We end up managing other people's reactions to our lives instead of making conscious choices for ourselves.

Most people are existing in their own little bubbles of shame and worry. The phrase I say most often in early sessions is simply: you are normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

Breaking the silence with small tweaks

The way out of this silence isn't necessarily a grand, life-altering explosion. You don’t have to quit your job or blow up your marriage to start being honest. It starts with what Heidi calls 'small tweaks' and Ruth calls 'scheduling intimacy'. It sounds unromantic, but waiting for a lightning bolt of spontaneity to strike is a losing game. Real connection happens when you create a safe setting where you can finally mention the things you’ve been hiding.

• Audit your brakes and accelerators: Write down what turns you off (like a messy bedroom or stress) and what turns you on, then share the list.
• Reclaim your curiosity: Ask your partner what they actually need tonight rather than falling into the same autopilot routine.
• Stop marking yourself out of ten: Whether it is a new hobby or a new position, give yourself permission to be 'objectively crap' without judgment.
• Challenge the 'shoulds': Ask why you think a certain path is mandatory and who actually told you that was the case.

I remember a moment with my own husband after watching one of Ruth’s workshops. I finally told him about a body hang-up I’d carried for two decades. I assumed he was judging me, but he’d never even thought it was an issue. By saying it out loud, I broke down a wall I’d built myself. That is the power of bringing the retired subjects back to the table. When we start talking about the things we’ve decided not to say, we usually find out that we weren’t nearly as weird or alone as we thought.